Module 2: Have to, Need to, Must!

Important: Before you study this lesson please watch this video, “Why?“.  Example:  If you or your client are in a relationship and the other person displayed an attitude of not being “Truthful”, you’ll need to master, and you’ll need to educate your client the following: “Confront and Level!”,  “Assertive Communications!”, as well as “I Feel Good, PST!”.

Make sure to answer the questions at the end and follow the instructions for submission!

Nearly day we come across at least one task we dread. It’s not that we are afraid of it, it’s just that we don’t like it. But still, we force ourselves to do it. We come up with all sorts of reasons to convince ourselves and when nothing works, we switch on our computers, go to YouTube and turn on inspirational videos and lectures by motivational gurus to complete that task.

But why do you think we force ourselves into doing this? Even though there is so much resistance, why can’t we firmly say no to ourselves?  

There are a lot of things and tasks we can’t say no to. We can’t say no to our jobs because we have bills to pay, we can’t say no to debt because education is important, and we can’t say no to our mortgage because we need a roof over our heads. But there are many things to which we can say no to, but we don’t.

Many times, we do things because of peer pressure, to please people and to get others to like and accept us. Sometimes we do things because we simply lack the ability to say no. 

We all are guilty of doing some of the things listed above. We all have tried to force ourselves to do things we don’t want to do just because we want to be accepted or we want to prove a point. But the problem arises when we overdo it — when we corner ourselves and deprive ourselves of choices. Problems arise when we use words like “must,” “need to,” and “have to” to push ourselves to achieve our goals.

But what’s so different about these words? Don’t we all use them every single day?

Need vs. want:

When you say, “I want to study hard to crack that test” or “I want to lose weight,” it not only gives you a positive goal but also gives you a choice. You might do it or you might not. There is no pressure. But whenever you decide to do it, the motivation will come from within. You won’t have to use the external sources to push yourself, to pressure yourself, or to make you feel guilty.

When you keep a positive attitude you not only become fully engaged in the process, but you also enjoy doing it.

But what happens when you say, “I must work hard to crack that test” or “I have to lose weight”? Read these out loud. You see how forceful these sentences sound? When we use “must,” “have to,” or “need to” we label our desires as our needs and hence we end up restricting ourselves.

 We force ourselves to do things even when there is a fair amount of resistance from the inside. We talk ourselves into believing that the only way to achieve our goals is by making ourselves miserable. We often use the shiny reward to push ourselves and we tell ourselves that we have no choice. How many times have we made ourselves miserable by using these sentences?  How many times have these words influenced our decisions?

Impact on our lives:

When we confine ourselves and deprive ourselves of choices, we often end up getting stuck. “I must stay in this organization,” “I have to stay in this relationship,” “I need to have a drink in order to relax.” Not only do we end up with the wrong choices but also we stick to these choices because we force ourselves.

But why? Sometimes it’s because of fear: “I must stay in this organization because if I leave, I might not be able to get another job.” Sometimes pleasing others becomes more important than our own happiness: “I have to stay in this relationship because I don’t want to hurt him.” Sometimes we want to prove something to someone else: “I must work hard and crack that test otherwise everyone will think that I am a loser.”

But do any of the reasons matter if you are choosing confinement over happiness? Is making yourself miserable worth it?

When you say, “I want to stay in this organization,” “I want to stay in this relationship,” or “I want to work hard for that test,” just by modifying few words your intentions become clearer. You want to stay because it makes you happy, you feel delighted, and you see an opportunity or a bright future.

So, if just by altering a few words you can make such a huge difference, wouldn’t it be great to refrain from using these words?   

How to avoid using “Need to,” “Have to,” and “Must”:

While it might take some time to remove these words from your vocabulary, taking small steps every day will certainly help. The key to stopping the use of these words is a bit of introspection paired with mindfulness.

The following steps will help you further in the process of having a healthy and positive conversation with yourself:

Define your values: Defining your values lets you know what’s OK with you and what’s not. Maintaining a journal is an excellent way of discovering and polishing your values. If you feel uncomfortable with being forced into something, write it down. Let yourself know that it’s not OK. Tell yourself that you are not fine with it and you need to explore your options.

Will you regret this? When we confine ourselves, we also snatch away our freedom. And when we stay in the confined zone for a any length of time, we can get used to it. So used to it that it becomes our comfort zone, and we get accustomed to being mistreated by ourselves. Ask yourself, will you regret confining yourself? Will you regret doing something that you are forcing yourself to do right now? How will the choice that you make today impact your tomorrow?

Learn how to say no: While it’s important to learn how to say no to others, it’s also important to learn how to say no to yourself. There is nothing wrong with saying no. Being honest with yourself will not only help you make better decisions but will also give you clarity about the life you want to create for yourself. 

You always have a choice: Whenever you feel stuck or confined, remind yourself that you always have a choice. It doesn’t matter what others tell you, it doesn’t matter what they think of you, it doesn’t matter what others preach, the final word is always going to be yours.

The essay

Please write an essay, up to two pages, about a past experience you or someone you know used have to, need to must. Tell us in detail, who, what, when, where, why, to whom, the time, the place of what you did. The outcome! And tell us in detail how you could have changed that use from what you learned today so the outcome would have been good. Internalize this lesson. Make it become a part of you.  Share your story in the “Forums”

Our advice is for you to practice “Not using have to need to, must” for at least a week. Tell others around you to point out any event in which you didn’t. Have them hold you accountable. Visit the “Forum” and do a “CONFESSION”.

What is a “CONFESSION”? A CONFESSION IS WHEN YOU’VE DISPLAYED A WRONG BEHAVIOR AND WERE HELD ACCOUNTABLE BY ONE OF YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS, PEERS, OR EVEN BY YOU. VISIT THE “FORUM” AND TELL US ABOUT IT.  WE WILL GIVE YOU FEEDBACK! MAKE SURE TO WATCH THE VIDEO ABOUT “CONFESSION” FOR MORE DETAILS! FURTHERMORE, BECOME A MEMBER OF THE FORUM AND GIVE FEEDBACK TO OTHERS.  “That’s how you gain practice in becoming a CERTIFIED LIFE COACH!

Read the article? Time for introspection!

Please answer the following:

1. Do you corner and deprive yourself of choices? Why do you think you do that?
2. Do you make yourself miserable when it comes to achieving your goals? Do you think you become too harsh with yourself?
3. How often do you use the words “have to,” “need to,” “must”?
4. Do you prefer giving yourself choices or do you force yourself to do things?
5. What steps are you planning to take to minimize the use of these words?

This module includes the following:

• Introduction
• Why Become a Life Coach
• Thinking the Worst
• Unconditional Thinker
• Blaming
• You Should
• I Can’t
• Grandiose Questions
• It’s Them
• Loaded Words
• Making Assumptions
• Have to Need to, Must
• Attitude Check & Confession
• I Feel Good, PST™
• Why?

There is no way any relationship will survive without having the qualities mentioned above.

Make sure to read each article carefully at least three time. Print your workbook (will be available per lesson.)  Answer all questions and enter them in your workbook. Once you have completed this entire journey, you will be issued a Life Coach Certificate so long as you’ve been a member of the “Forums.”

Also, follow the instruction for sharing your story in our Forums as well as participating in our “Forums,” especially our unique “Confessions Forum” so you may gain practice, knowledge, experience, and expertise!

I am thankful that you have given me this opportunity to share all of this with you. May God bless you and bring prosperity and peace into your life.

Respectfully yours,

George Tannous, PhD